EYT Media to Make Bid to Buy Pirates Move Them Up North

| April 1, 2019

PITTSBURGH, Pa. (EYT) – With the Pittsburgh Pirates opening the 2019 home season today against the St. Louis Cardinals, a special announcement is being made by EYT Media.

EYT (Explore Your Town) Grand Poobah and founder – JB (no last name just Jake like a European soccer player) – has announced his intentions to make a bid to buy the ball club and move the team to a yet to be built stadium located in a yet-to-be-determined location in Clarion/Jefferson/Venango/Forest County to be paid for by proceeds from a leaf collection tax.

“The Pirates are an institution like none other,” JB said. “They deserve true leadership, and I believe I can give them that. Just look at where EYT Media has come in less than a decade. We are truly the leader in media coverage in the I-80 corridor from Barkeyville to DuBois and beyond.”

The Pirates have been owned for over a decade by the Nutting family, and despite three straight years of making the playoffs from 2013-15, the franchise has not won a playoff series since winning its last World Series in 1979.

“I plan on changing that as quickly as I can,” JB said. “The first order of business will be to secure a logo, and I believe I have the perfect person to design that logo in Tyler Ochs, who has been working in house for me at EYT Media for over a year now. The team needs more than a “P” for a logo. I mean, when your logo is a “P” all you think about is a dog and a fire hydrant.”

As for where exactly the team will build a stadium, JB was non-committal on that.

“We are going to approach the County Commissioners in all four counties and see which one we can hold for rans … err gives us the best bid … before determining where the team will be located.”

JB is very excited about the idea of a leaf tax to pay for it.

“This area is pretty much the Autumn Leaf Capital of the World,” JB said. “There are lots and lots of leaves that fall every year here. If Clarion Borough can charge people for their rainwater, I don’t see why these counties can’t charge people their leaves. We will build the best, the most gigantic, baseball stadium anyone has ever seen. It will be huge, huge I tell you. And the leaves will pay for it.”

There is no timetable as to when JB’s bid for the Pirates will take place or even if the Nutting family will be willing to sell, considering they have said repeatedly that they won’t sell.

“I think they will,” JB said. “EYT Media is new media. Newspapers, which is how the family made its money, are old Media. The overhead alone on the newspapers is killing them. Plus, I bet they will love the leaf-tax idea. After all, they are Nutt(y)ings and don’t squirrels like trees that have leaves? I bet a few acorns, you know like the savings app, will be good enough to make the purchase.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s date is April 1, 2019. Today is April 1. It’s not April 2 or March 31. It is the first day of April, which is a significant day. Also, note that today is the first day of the month of April.


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Category: Local News, News, Sports